Sifting through tears over the last nearly twenty four hours I realized that the death I first heard about yesterday evening after completing the unpacking of our library was the most powerful death of a non-family member I could possibly endure. Robin Williams' passing was like hearing that a beloved uncle or father-figure had died. It was, and still is, like an unrelenting shockwave of sorrow.
I interact with entertainment media with an open heart, and if it's media I enjoy then I embrace it wholly - I suppose it's why I'm such a fan of movies and such. Robin Williams' work has been some of the easiest to embrace and the warmest, most beautiful to enjoy. I grew up with Mrs. Doubtfire, Aladdin, Hook, Bicentennial Man, What Dreams May Come, Patch Adams, and others. In some way each character Williams played in each of those films reached me. They were pitiable, loveable, and they led the viewer into the heart of humanity and, to a certain extent, the meaning of existence. If you were to watch them with the right eyes and in a certain emotional state you could find yourself understanding them and, surprisingly, better understanding yourself.
I can't get rid of the thought of a lonely, horrifically depressed genius making a horrible decision because all hope had fled. The thought is like a nightmare which won't fade no matter how distracted I attempt to be or how much I think of other things. I just replay the imagined scene of a crying man lost in despair. I think about that and I unfortunately relate. I've known something akin to those kinds of feelings. I even believe that I can in some way understand what led to that tragic choice.
Even now I'm still processing all of this. At this point I'm certain that I need to escape the world for a few days to clear my thoughts. It's difficult not to be in a dark place now, especially since a person who seemed to posses the soul of joy surrendered to the darkness surrounding life. What good can possibly be left if the good people willingly lay down?
I hope that Mr. Williams' family will be able to get through this and that they will be well. I hope that they can process all of this at some point and move forward. I hope that they can find a reason in their lives to illegitimatize the shadowed logic of their lost loved one.