Dealing

It's never easy when you're faced with the emotions of others. At least, it's never been easy for me to deal with other people's emotions. They feel obscene, as if they shouldn't be exposed as easily as they sometimes are. They feel alien and overwhelming.

Whenever I'm the target for someone's emotional outpouring I feel sickened and cornered. Fight or flight kicks in as whatever the other intended to express seeps out from them. I become angry, and I react poorly. My fragile tolerance buckles in response as I desperately think of a reaction, not at all considering the consequences. I just want to make it stop.

Needless to say, this extreme handling of such situations rarely leads to passive future interaction. It's only after another individual chooses me as their emotional target that they truly discover just how greatly I lack empathy and how cruel I can actually be. I'm aware of this, obviously, and it makes me hate myself, even though I find comfort in being so overly guarded.

I'm working to identify the reason behind this aspect of my personality. I realize that I have the potential to be a great source of comfort and guidance to a great many people. I understand that guarding myself in such a way inhibits my growth as an individual. I know that risks are required to make an honest and respectable go at life.

Now, I have to choose between opening myself and dealing with the consequences or remaining closed and detached, stunted. Decisions, decisions.